Dirty Little Secret
by Oma Desallah
Summary: Mark has some major issues. Roger has issues and a girlfriend. Will be written from Roger’s POV I suck at summaries. Title from a song by the Christian Rock group Pillar. Chapter 1 now up. RogerMimi will be MarkRoger
1. Prologue

Title: Dirty Little Secret

Author: Oma Desallah

Rating: M- Just to be on the safe side... The next chapters are going to be a lot more profane

Paring: RogerMimi will be MarkRoger

PostRent

Summary: Mark has some issues; Roger has issues and a girlfriend. Will be written from Roger's PO. I suck at summaries title from song by Pillar.

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters of RENT. They belong to Jonathon Larson. I'm just a poor college student distracting herself from homework. I also don't Pillar... so yeah

Author's Notes- This is my first Rent fanfic. I haven't written since high school so this has the potential of really sucking. So my apologies now

Prologue- Third Person POV

Mark and Roger. Roger and Mark. Best Friends. Filmmaker. Musician. Bohemians.

Mark

Mark is a quiet filmmaker who sits and observes everything and shows his emotions using other peoples lives by filming them and stringing the scenes together to show how is heart feels. There are some people he can talk to, but being as empathetic as he is, others needs go first. He just sits in the back ground. It's true, he does hide in his work, but what else can he do. Relatively young at 23, he was the youngest of the group until Mimi made her appearance.

Scarsdale- the place where the young Jewish boy used to call home lays almost forgotten in his mind. Scarsdale never fit him. He always knew he was going to end up here, in New York City. His family makes attempts to stay connected with him, but he doesn't really care anymore, he loved them, but he was tired of his dad's opinions his mom's protectiveness and the fact that he would never compare to the perfection of his sister Cindy. All through out his high school years he knew he would come to the city. It represented a freedom that Scarsdale could never give him. He was a suffering artist. He needed to be in place that he could be free to live the life he chose.

But, what he didn't anticipate that he would secretly fall for his rocker best friend. He thinks Maureen might know, but he never talks about it, to anyone. It's like he never talks about the nights he stayed up crying when Roger was going through withdrawal and rehab. He wanted to help him. But Roger seemed to reject him every time. He didn't want him to follow April. He was scared that the HIV would take him and he would be alone. Maureen had dumped him for Joanne. Then Collins and Angel got together and Mimi started dating his best friend. Angel was dead; she died from the same disease that was slowly killing Roger, Collins and Mimi. Roger was Roger. Mimi was doing better, she was off the drugs but recently she and Roger started fighting. Mark new that is was something big, but Roger wouldn't talk about it. Surprise, Surprise. If anyone was as good at hiding their feelings from anyone it was Roger. So Mark just left it alone, Roger would tell him someday. Maybe. If he didn't die first. Mark was still scared. Roger+DeathTotal Mental Breakdown.

Mark didn't cry anymore. Not after he finished his first documentary. When he needed to feel beyond what the projector allowed he did something no one suspected. Crying became obsolete. There were only two options now. And only one of them was socially acceptable. The only person who knew the other option was Roger and not even Mark knew that.

Roger

Roger is a rocker with a small fuse. He'll never hit anyone, first. And he would never physically hurt any one he loved. Roger has only ever truly allowed himself to love four people. April was the first love of his life. If you talked to him while they were together, when he wasn't high, he would tell you she was the one. He was even thinking about marriage. Then came the HIV and the suicide. It tore him in two and hit him harder that anything had previously in his music driven life. But the trouble was he couldn't blame anyone other than himself and maybe The Man. He couldn't bring himself to go after The Man because he knew that The Man controlled his only escape from life. So he hurt himself. He fell deeper into the drugs and started cutting himself. It was a form of punishment. He didn't want to die. He wasn't suicidal like the psychiatrists at the rehab thought. He wanted the pain. The torture. But it wasn't masochism. He got no pleasure out of it.

But that was a long time ago. He had Mimi now, Right? Mimi came back to him and since then they had a great relationship. Mimi was clean. Roger wasn't cutting. Benny was only a friend/landlord. They had both came to terms with there own mortality. Angel's death sank in. And Mimi had moved into the loft with Roger and Mark. He had a job as a bartender and playing the occasional gig solo. There was even talk of getting the band back together. The Well Hungarians.

And then Mimi and Roger started fighting. He was sure no one knew what they fought about. He was really good at hiding the topic. He was especially good at hiding it from the topic. Mark.

Roger loves two men. One of the completely brotherly. Collins will always be his big brother. The person who took him in when he first moved into the Village. Thomas. Some one understand the life of HIV and AIDS. The other is Mark. People on the outside see their relationship as a platonic one. Like it was with Collins. But they don't see the look in the musicians eyes whenever he sees Mark, or when he is talking about him or his films. There is something deeper there. Maybe it's respect from when Mark helped with withdrawal and the nonjudgmental attitude at which he treated his HIV. Maybe its because they are roommates and best friends. Maybe it's something else altogether.

The only one who seems to notice or care is Mimi. There are times when Roger gets up out of bed in the middle of the night to go sit outside of the bathroom door. He knows Mark's in there hurting himself but he can't summon the balls it takes to go in there to stop him. Mimi only knows that Roger leaves. She knows that it is because of Mark; But she suspects something deeper is going on. Mimi and Roger didn't start fighting till the one morning Mimi couldn't let it go unspoken and accused him of cheating on her with Mark. Now they fight. A lot. But Roger is starting to wonder if Mimi is right. In his mind he is cheating on her.

Please review. I need the criticism and I could use a boost in my self esteem. The next chapter will be longer this was just a scene setter.


	2. Chapter 1 Sleep? Who needs sleep!

Dirty Little Secret

Chapter 1- Sleep? Who needs Sleep

Author's note: Roger's POV…More like his inner monologue at points. I hope its not confusing. I just wrote out his thought process like mine sometimes go.

**Warning: Very Explicit language**. **If you are offended by cursing you might want to stop now**.

My version of Roger's brain is not rated PG. There is a little humor in there a little bit.. too much thespian training-humor and drama working together…Well, On with the show

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch.

_Roger's Bed- Middle of the Night_

I am so confused.

One minute I am head over heels in love with Mimi, the next I'm pinning for Mark's attention. Because maybe he won't hurt himself. Maybe Mark won't feel the feel the slash of the box cutter across his arm that I once craved for.

Then he wouldn't become me. I hate myself. I really do. I stopped punishing myself along ago for April's death, but mentally, I still do it. I shouldn't, but how I do I just ignore what I did, what I caused? … I don't want Mark to end up like her. I don't want him to die before I do! I couldn't survive another suicide of a loved one.

One mistake, one cut too deep and my filmmaker is gone.

Crap.

My filmmaker? No! My S&M dancer

NO- Now, that sounds dirty and wrong.

My Mimi has a nice ring to it…but so does my Marky.

Shut UP!

I hate it when I argue with myself. That's when you know you can't win an argument. Brain vs. Heart. Sanity vs. drowning in an abyss

And how are you supposed to win an argument you don't even believe in anymore.

Mimi is here in my arms and all I can do is think about Mark. His pale skin. His scrawny build. His blue eyes. Damn it. Fuck. Shit. I shouldn't be thinking about Mark.

Sleep- Sleep is what I need. A peaceful sleep of Girls!. Oh, well of Mimi. But a Female none the less. Yes, this is what I need- a nice wet dream about Mimi. Sex with Mimi. Wow! We haven't done that since I started believing her…

Shit- He's gonna do it again. His door just opened and shut and now I hear his feet going across the floor.

_Creak. Creak. Creeeaaaaaaaak._

I hate old buildings. It would be easier not knowing. I wouldn't know if I couldn't hear him go. He wears those damn sexy sweaters all the fucking time. I really need to stop thinking about him like this. He's my Best Friend.

I slowly unwrap myself from Mimi's tight embrace. Every night it seems to be getting tighter- like she's trying to keep me here. Like she thinks she's going to lose me…what if she is losing me…

I can't think about this now

I have to go to him. He needs me…

Wow, I love these lies I tell myself. How can he need me if he never knows I'm there?

I carefully get out of the bed and scoot myself across the floor of the loft so Mark can't here me. See, I can be silent. Why can't he be silent? Why can't he be fucking silent?

Why do I torture myself like this? Shiiiit.

Whenever I hear him do this I get my ass out of bed, scoot across a floor with as much stealth as I can manage to sit outside a bathroom door for a half an hour. Praying to a god that I don't even believe in anymore, but I know that Mark does. He through out all of the horrible crap that we deal with all the time can still manage to keep his faith. I really respect him for that…Then I scoot my now depressed ass back to my bed. And it's getting to be almost every night.

I can't do this anymore. I just can't let him sit back and let him hurt himself anymore. I knock on the door…God, I wish I had a plan…

Well it is a bathroom…

"Hey Mark, I really gotta go man! Like real bad!"

No response.

"Mark, come on open up!"

"Go down to Mimi's apartment, I'm busy!"

"Fuck, Mark, Just let me in!"

I turn the handle. It's unlocked. He left it fucking unlocked! I could have walked in any night at any time and stopped him…I always locked the door when I cut myself or shot up. I always locked the damn door…Maybe he's not like me…Maybe he wants me to know…

In front of me is a bleeding Mark. No tears. No emotion. Just Blood.

"Roger," Mark speaks softly in a strained voice, "You weren't supposed to find out…"

I walk towards Mark. My Marky. I wet an old wash cloth that's just sitting in the sink and gently place it on the open wound on his left arm as I sit down in front of him on the cold bathroom floor. He winces-but I can't tell if it is from my touch or from the stinging of the wet cloth touching his harm.

I need to say something…Anything…Plan…Plan…

"I've known for awhile but I don't know is…Why? Why Mark Why…You saw what it did to me…April…"

Great. I'm crying. I'm Crying. Rockers don't cry. I don't cry. Other people cry. I yell. I punch walls. I even have been known to throw a thing or two at a wall…but cry! Hell No!

Mark just sits blankly in front of me. He doesn't respond. Do I really expect him to? Would I have said anything if he had caught me? I wish I could just hold him…or be able to do something…

Shit. No, Mimi. MIMI…But what about my Marky...

No. Shut up… I can't think straight right now… obviously I'm thinking about Mark…wait did I just pun in my own head…I need help…No Mark needs help. Mark is sitting on the floor bloody! Hurting himself. Man! I should've had a plan…

I should change my tactic, silence is not going to help him.

"How long?" I question.

I can tell it has been awhile because of the scars going all the way up his left arm. I can only assume his right looks like that too.

Silence- I hate silence. Need something to fill the void, hate it. Hate It. Hate IT!

"What the fuck, Roger?" Mark suddenly spoke

Shit- Angry Mark.

Mark only cusses when he's really upset.

"Why are you here, Roger? How do you know? And most of all, what gives you the right to barge in on me in bathroom?"

I wish he would speak a little more quietly…Mimi…Mimi is asleep in my room… don't want to wake her up…Please, lets not wake her up…

I try to plead at him with my eyes to stay calm- and most of all hushed.

"I knew you were in here. I knew what you were doing…Couldn't take it anymore…so I barged in…What the fuck was I supposed to do? Let you kill yourself? In the same bathroom that April killed herself?" I whispered quiet harshly.

Temper Roger, Temper.

I try to soften my facial features back to a concerned face instead of the one of the anger that is building up. I should've had a plan…I should've at least thought a little more about this and a little less about kissing him…Shut Up brain…

I should have talked to Collins.

Mark stands up in front of me. His hand tightly gripping the cloth to his arm. Pressure always seemed to help the stinging that followed the blood…I don't know why…You can still feel it…

"You didn't answer all of my questions, Roger!"

I can hear how pissed off he is. I stand back up. He tries to push past me. I grab him by the shoulders.

Ok, so he can't move now. I have a good thirty pounds on him at least and I have always been stronger… Now what do I do with him… Shove him up against the wall and kiss him? Well, I could…but that is the last thing that needs to happen tonight. I am here as a concerned friend. A best friend. A roommate nothing more… Right? Right?

Mark looks scared. Oh yeah, maybe its because I have him in a Kung Fu grip.

"Mark…" I try to start and say something, but what do I say…the truth? Please, Please don't do this Mark because I love and cannot picture my live without you?

So that obviously wouldn't work. Plan! I should have had a plan…

Because you're mangling you beautiful Ivory skin? No. No. That is a defiantly a no.

"You are my best friend, and I don't want to see you in pain." I think that one might have worked. All truthful yet not bearing my soul…nice, even with out a plan…

But he's just glaring at me. Argh. Argh. Arrggghhhh!

I release the grip on him. Staring into his Icy cold eyes as he stares into my tear stained red ones.

Stalemate. Shit. Neither of us in going to win this tonight, well this morning… What time is it?

I turn my head away first-showing a sign of surrender. I can't do this. I should've had a plan. I shouldn't have acted on my impulses.

Now we're fucked. And not in a good way.

I let Mark past me. I hear his door shut. And I cry. Streaming tears. Man, I'm turning into a fruit. A fruit that is in love with his best friend. A best friend that is in obvious pain, but doesn't seem to want help. Or at least my help. Maybe he can see right through me…

I splash cold water on my face trying to get myself back together. I turn and leave the bathroom just as Mark had done a little while before and head back into my room.

Maybe I can go to sleep. I have the early shift at the bar tomorrow. Dinner shift. I hate the dinner shift. I need to pull myself together so that I can sleep. Who am I kidding? I cold never sleep tonight. I'll just go back to lying with Mimi in my arms and Mark in my heart.

I get to my room.

Fuck. Mimi's awake. She's sitting straight up in my bed. Her face looks as tear stained as mine was a minute ago, but the expression on her face I can read so well. She's pissed.

AN: Please review with your thoughts. I need some ideas of how to continue this. Do you guys want to see a Mark POV, or should I continue with Roger? I personally, Love Roger which is why I chose to write as him first.


	3. Chapter 2 No More

Dirty Little Secret- Chapter 2- No More

Author's notes- So Sorry about the delay on getting the next chapter. I'm writing this on my college choir tour and posting it as soon as I get to an internet connection. Which weather willing is tonight, I don't want to be snowed into Colorado. This chapter is different then I initially planned thanks to my wonderfully supportive boyfriend who even though he isn't really into RENT or fanfiction is reading this anyway.

Disclaimer- I don't own anything. Have I mentioned poor college student?

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Mimi's POV

_Roger's Bed- Middle of the same night_

I suddenly jerk awake.

I'm alone.

Not again Roger, Not again!

Tears stream down my face.

Roger Why? Why Mark? Am I not enough for you?

I sit up and pull my legs tight to my chest and grip my knees,.

I'm alive because of him. The tears flow down my face in waves. I hear muffled noises from outside the room.

Definitely Roger and Mark. I would know their voices anywhere.

Damn it Roger. I'm supposed to be yours forever. I'm loyal. I'm clean. I'm female. What does he want? A yappy little filmmaker who follows him around asking him whether or not he took his AZT?

I don't know what they are doing out there, but it doesn't matter. Roger can yell all he wants that he doesn't have feelings for Mark and how much he loves me.

At first I believed him. I had caught him completely off guard by accusing him of it. Like he was shocked that I could he ask such a thing.

But now?

His fight is getting weaker.

I can/t take this anymore, I love him, I can't take this caca.

He lies next to me every night. But Mentally…

I can see it in his eyes. He told me. I could see his love for me in his eyes when he sang that damn song to me.

In his eyes now all I can see is fear, and love for someone else. Not me. Call it a woman's intuition. Call it whatever you want. I don't care. Roger does not love me.

I feel the anger fly up through me.

I have the evidence now. Los ojos. The eyes.

Why haven't I thought about it before now?

His eyes of love and understanding, of needing me, and only me are gone. Now that I think about it. They've been gone awhile.

He's been lying to me. And himself, I suppose…

But he lied,

I've never lied to him! Or cheated, even mentally…Benny's just a jerk.

When, Angel, mi hermana, my brother, my friend, was dying of the same damn disease that was slowly draining the life from Roger, Collins and me. Roger was trying to avoid it all. Probably because of that April girl. A lot of his scars are because of her. He couldn't handle facing it head on.

I stayed strong for Angel, but inside I was dying too. And not from HIV.

It wasn't till then that I went back to Benny. Alison was driving him loco and Roger…

But Roger is cheating on me right in front of me. I don't even know if it's sexual…

eww. I don't want to think about that.

I don't even know if Mark loves him back- but I do know Roger leaves me almost every night for his filmmaker.

I've stopped crying. I can't handle losing any more tears.

I'm going to leave. Go back to my apartment downstairs and try to forget…

What am I going to tell him? Who am I kidding? He won't even notice I'm gone.

I'm angry. Wow, am I just now figuring this out?

If he didn't really love me, why did he come back for me? Why am I alive? Why did Angel tell me to go back to him…?

Just thinking about being without Roger is terrifying. Will I go back to my drug of choice?

Now I'm hacked at me. How could I not have enough faith in myself to keep clean?

I don't need Roger or anyone really to keep me clean. I'm a strong woman, Right?

Right?

I'm twenty years old. I have my own place and a steady job.

Not the most respectable job-being an S&M dancer isn't glamorous but it keeps food on the table and AZT in my veins. And now that I'm not using, I even have savings.

I hear a door shut rather loudly. Was that Mark's door?

Is Roger coming back from his night of passion?

Ewwwwwwwwwww. Not with that again!

I'm leaving. I'm gone. No more. No more tears. No more fights. I gotta get outta here.

I can be my own woman. Without Roger, Without Mark.

I hear another door shut, and then his feet heading towards this room. I glare at the door waiting for it to open.

He enters. He sees me. His face is unreadable. Slightly Pink and his hair is wet near his face. His eyes are red.

Did Marky work him hard tonight? You know brain stop thinking about things that I don't want to think about.

I get out of the bed. Might as well start the fight, right? No day but today

I go to Roger's closet and start to pull all of my clothes from it. Throwing them on the bed. I pull shoes out and start throwing them on the bed.

"Mimi?" Roger questions my sudden behavior.

"I'm leaving, Roger." I can't stay here much longer without crying again…Need to leave soon…

I go next to the dresser. Pulling the folded clothes out and laying them on the bed.

Roger looks pained. But maybe that's how he looked before. I don't know anymore.

"Mimi…" hmm cat got his tongue? This defiantly is different, we'd normally both be yelling by now. Fighting, I want to fight! It will make this easier. Yell at me!

Roger!" I yell "You don't love me, so I'm gone!"

"Mimi…I…I…I L…"

"See Roger, you can't even say it!" I'm almost shouting.

"Mimi shhhh…You'll wake up Mark." Even this he says quietly

"Don't you dare bring him into this! But then again of course you would" I'm yelling still. "Your girlfriend is leaving you and all you're worried about is your poor precious Marky"

I know that was a low blow, but I'm tired of all this bullshit. I need him to see that this is it. This is the end of the road for Roger and Mimi.

"Mimi…you don't understand." Roger makes no attempt to stop me. Probably figuring that this inevitable.

"Understand?...Understand! You're in love with your best friend! Not me! What is left to understand, Roger? I can't do it anymore! It's all or nothing, and I can't be nothing to you anymore!"

I'm yelling. Fuck Mark.

"Mimi, stop yelling. Please? You are right, I…I…I do have feelings for Mark. There's more to that though, but I'm not getting into all that shit tonight... But you are wrong about one thing, I do love you. Maybe not as much as I should, or in the way that I should, but you still have a hold on my heart."

"No Roger, I can't…Even if you do, it's just fading into nothing. I don't want to be here when it does. I can't take anymore of this shit, Roger…"

I'm speaking softer, but crying again.

"Mimi…"

I start to gather up my things and start to try and walk out the door. I'm expecting him to try and stop me.

Wait, did he just pick up a pile of my stuff? He's following me! He's helping me move out. The prick really doesn't love me anymore.

We go to the loft door and down the stairs into the apartment below. He puts the clothes down on my bed. Tears are streaming down his face.

"Why are you helping me leave you?" I must know why. I need to know why. I've done breakups plenty of times but they have never been like this.

"Because I do care for, and I realize that my heart isn't being fair to you. Maybe if I help, then maybe we could still be friends? Well, I realize that will be hard. But I do still care for you and would like to be able to help in some way."

He's rambling. He's cute when he rambles; this is going to be hard.

Too hard.

I melt.

"Roger… friends will be hard, but I guess it could be possible. Give me time."

Time- the one thing Roger and I don't have,

I still love him.

Roger turns to leave.

I make no attempt to stop him.

I wait till I hear the door shut, and then I sit on my bed and cry. I'll get the rest of my clothes later.

This is for the best.

For Me. For Roger. For Mark…

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AN: Well I hoped you enjoyed this chapter. I like reviews. Please review, I know you want a Mark chapter…maybe…soon…Patience. You will get one.


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